Vice–Admiral Horatio Lord Nelson was famous, among other things, for his contention that “no man is married South of Gibraltar.” But before South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford set sail for Argentina, he should have checked to see if his wife was a nautical woman.
But one look at Sanford’s news conference proves he not a detail person. His missteps include:
- Don’t broadcast your abasement from the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey big top.
- Ask the albino with the cell phone camera not to take pictures from immediately behind you.
- An adultery confession is no place to complain about the strictness of the 10 Commandments regarding fidelity.
- Don’t call your hot patootie a “dear, dear friend” and say there was “something real” with her as opposed to that 20–year stretch of fakery with your wife and four sons.
- Don’t use earning your hiking merit badge as a cover for meeting Charro to hike up her skirt.
- Even in our debauched culture, choosing the Father’s Day weekend for a getaway with the Queen of the Pampas is a poor juxtaposition.
Calling Sanford “erratic” is being kind. A “husband” who repeatedly asks for permission to see the Other Woman after his wife finds out about the affair is either full of chutzpah or has a death wish. Then, after his suffering wife gives in he dragoons his “spiritual advisor” into coming along to chaperone.
We don’t know what Sanford told Ms. Hot Tamale, but it was not “goodbye.”
Sanford could have avoided antagonizing his wife if he had merely consulted the Magic 8 Ball instead of “spiritual advisors.”
When I met with my Magic 8 Ball to see if I should ask the wife’s permission to visit the mistress one last time (just kidding, Janet) the answers I got were: “outlook not so good,” “ask again later” and “my sources say no.”
Still, I suggest you don’t count on Sanford resigning as governor. He’s immune to embarrassment. Besides he has Sen. Lindsay Graham (R–Flexible Backbone) saying Sanford deserves a second chance.
Graham will soon learn Sanford runs through second chances like Michael Jackson ran through prescriptions. In fact Governor Gonad cashed in the second chance his wife gave him for a ticket to Passion on the Pampas.
Sanford intends to concentrate on doing his job as governor just as soon as he finishes getting an accurate count for the media of the women he’s had dalliances with over the past decade.
He certainly won’t be distracted by a run for President. He joins Sen. John Ensign as the second potential GOP candidate to suffer from a career–killing dose of testosterone poisoning.
I’m not sure Sanford has learned anything, but it’s been an eye opener for me. Now I know the reason so many politicians refuse to support funding for abstinence education: They know they’re too weak to turn anyone down and they assume the rest of us are, too.
Michael R. Shannon is a public relations and advertising consultant with corporate, government and political experience around the globe. He is a dynamic, entertaining and funny keynote speaker for corporate, non–profit and governmental organizations.
