My wife, Janet, has never had a bad vacation. Short ones, long ones, impromptu or planned, she likes them each and every one. Her favorites are cruises. She can spend hours each week on what I call cruise porn sites looking for the best deals afloat.
I don’t want to mislead you into thinking every cruise is perfect: that’s Janet’s job. I’ve experienced some jaw pain from the constant chewing that six meals a day requires. And there have been some embarrassing moments riding the forklift that helps passengers who’ve gained too much weight disembark.
Overall, my only bad voyage was on Holland America Line. It was like spending a week in the European Union — where the bureaucrat is always right. In fact the line calls itself “HAL,” which after enjoying their hospitality I can tell you is apt.
You may recall in 2001 A Space Odyssey HAL the computer went rogue and tried to kill the surviving astronaut. It’s standard reply to any request was, “I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t do that.” Which pretty much sums up the Holland America Line’s customer service philosophy.
A common misconception regarding cruises is that it’s something old people do. One visit to the poolside belly–buster contest usually proves otherwise. But on HAL’s good ship Geriatric the average age was D–Day. As one of our group commented, the crewmembers in the white jackets weren’t waiters, they were nurses.
Fortunately the only time this age group proved to be a nuisance was in the morning. A surprising number took advantage of HAL’s exclusive “burial at sea” package. For only a small surcharge, passengers who expired before the conclusion of the trip would be sewn into a sail and pitched overboard after a brief non–denominational, sunrise service.
This was fine unless the crew short–armed the throw. When that happened the cannonball placed in the bottom of the shroud, would bang and clang down the side of the ship, blasting sleeping passengers out of bed.
HAL featured the “Wide Load Singers & Dancers” as entertainment. Not even my wife could not endure this torment, but the shows were popular with the older passengers who were happy to be upright after 8PM.
The climax of the cruise was the fabulous “Midnight Buffet.” The event usually occurs on Wednesday night and, in keeping with the rest of the activities on HAL, operated like a funeral. At 11:30 people line up for the viewing and slowly shuffle by the display commenting on how lifelike the food carvings are. Once everyone has had a chance to pay their respects to dinner, they line up again to eat it.
HAL had a new variation: look but don’t chew. The special cuisine creations were kept untouched behind a rope line. HAL evidently decided it would be more cost effective to make one batch of really delectable morsels each year and just put them on display like jewelry.
Fortunately, HAL is not the only choice on the ocean. And for those who think cruising is being trapped on a ship for a week, I have great news. Most of your daylight hours are spent on shore. So think of a cruise as a vacation where your hotel follows you around.
Some might find this mental image somewhat unsettling, but for those of us with a poor sense of direction it’s very reassuring.
Michael R. Shannon is a public relations and advertising consultant with corporate, government and political experience around the globe. He is a dynamic, entertaining and funny keynote speaker for corporate, non–profit and governmental organizations.
